Two Types Of Desire

 Desire is the craving for an experience. Sexual desire is one of the most mysterious of all human experiences. Science has yet to account for what creates desire, the range of desire between individuals or all the factors that either build or drain the experience of sexual desire.

There is one big secret about sexual desire, however, that can change the way you approach sex all together.

All great sex doesn’t begin with desire.

Most people assume that desire comes first, and then sex happens. Women especially are made to feel inadequate if they are not in the mood for sex or ready to initiate sex out of the blue. Many women worry that their libido has disappeared, or that they have no sex drive to speak of.

But the truth is, lots of great sex starts before both people are feeling totally “in the mood!”

To understand this phenomenon, it is important to recognize that there is not just one kind of sexual desire!

Spontaneous Vs. Responsive Desire

There are two general kinds of sexual desire: Spontaneous Desire and Responsive Desire.

  • Spontaneous Desire happens when something internal triggers your desire to have sex, and your body responds with excitement or anticipation.
  • Responsive Desire happens when your lover has already initiated sexual connection and you find yourself responding positively and getting in the mood.

Traditionally it is thought that men experience more Spontaneous Desire and women are more prone to Responsive Desire. We believe that we are all capable of both, and that there is a lot of benefit in being aware of your capacity for both.

Notice when you have spontaneous desire. What does that desire feel like? Where do you notice it in your body? What external stimuli can trigger spontaneous desire - a good looking stranger, thoughts of past sexual experiences, sensory stimulation? By noticing and embracing your moments of spontaneous desire, you'll naturally build up an internal charge of arousal. You may not always be able to ACT on spontaneoous desire, but taking a moment to notice and welcome it can help build your libido.

Equally, if your partner flirts with you or initiates sex, consider the possibility that it might feel great even if you are not immediately in the mood. Choose to move towards the connection rather than deny it right away. This works especially well when you have made the agreement we spoke about earlier, that not every sexual connection will end with intercourse.

With this agreement in place, you can choose to meet your lover in their moment of desire and then pay attention to what your body wants, authentically follow your turn-on and honor one another's needs and desires in the moment. This is another reason we love massage. Even if you are tired and worn out, massage can be enough to prime your pump and get you in the mood for more erotic connection.

Responsive Desire is a powerful force. When your lover initiates an erotic connection, you can choose to give it a few minutes and see what happens. If you still find yourself not in the mood, you have at least shared a few minutes of good energy together. Or, you may find yourself heating up and ready for much more than you would have imagined! A win-win scenario.

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