How To Have More Frequent Sex

 It is no accident that most people limit their idea of "real sex" to intercourse alone. This is a direct result of hundreds of years of sexual repression that taught us that "sex" was reproductive intercourse and that all other arousing activities were sinful, greedy and hedonistic. For centuries sexuality was confined to a very narrow box that had no interest in female pleasure, female orgasm or expanding men's capacity for arousal.

Now, most of us believe that sexuality is for something more than reproduction alone. As a member of our community and participant in this course, you are amongst this more evolved population of pleasure seekers (congrats!) and you understand that pleasure is healthy and worth exploring for its own sake. You know that intimacy, touch and pleasure can come from a wide range of activities far beyond intercourse.

We invite you to start thinking about your sex life in a way that honors and celebrates a much bigger picture of your erotic life - and it's many seasons - and not just keep score based on how many times you have intercourse in a given month.

Here is an essential step that will transform your sex life: agree that not every erotic encounter needs to end in intercourse to be successful. Or even orgasm of any kind. Brilliant sex educator Emily Nagoski coined the phrase "Pleasure Is The Measure" to share the idea that the ONLY measure of sexual success is your pleasure, your happiness and your freedom from shame and struggle. What would happen if we all started calibrating our erotic lives towards this idea "Pleasure Is The Measure"

All too often, people (women especially, but men too) say "no" to any kind of sexual encounter because they aren't in the mood for intercourse. If you can lose the expectation that every time you get naked together you have to end with intercourse (or indeed orgasm) than you can both feel free to share as much or as little as you authentically desire in that moment.

All too often, people (women especially, but men too) say "no" to any kind of sexual encounter because they aren't in the mood for intercourse. If you can lose the expectation that every time you get naked together you have to end with intercourse (or indeed orgasm) than you can both feel free to share as much or as little as you authentically desire in that moment.

What does this mean about foreplay? This course focuses on foreplay as a way of building high levels of arousal, for it's own sake and with many possible destinations.

From the building blocks of flirtation and initiation to all of the highly arousing techniques you'll learn, all of these strategies can be used whether or not intercourse is on the menu.

We invite you to open your mind and begin embracing the idea that all kinds of pleasurable touch and intimate connection can count equally towards a fulfilling sex life.

Remember, this philosophy doesn’t take anything away from you. When you embrace the idea of connecting with an open-ended erotic agenda, you can both say “yes” way more often. This philosophy makes MORE sex happen - it just might not all be the same script that ends in intercourse.

What is essential is that we end the notion that foreplay is just a prelude to "the real thing" and that only certain acts "count." When couples start keeping track of "what counts" there is a fundamental break-down in intimacy.

The goal of an erotic relationship, for most people, is mutual pleasure and fulfillment. Most of us want our lovers to feel loved, cherished, desired, satisfied and turned on. And most of us want to feel the same things - sexy and satisfied.

Think for a minute about your erotic goals.

What kind of sex life do you really want?

Consistent? Exciting? Comforting? Raw? Seductive? What words come to mind? Write them down!

Now that you have a sense of what kind of sex life you want, think about what kind of sex that life includes.

What is working now:
What I want more of:
What I want less of:

men, women and couples, we've never seen anyone list simply: I want more vaginal intercourse.

Most people can't even imagine a sex life comprised exclusively of penetration. So why do we take this whole realm of erotic touch, all the ways we pleasure one another, and dump it in this vague category of "Foreplay"

Here's just one theory: the language we use to talk about sex is weighed down with baggage from thousands of years of sexual oppression and repression, when pleasure was something to fear and be ashamed of, not something to be embraced and harnessed for good!

It is often thought that men can swing faster between "hot" and "cold."The theory goes that men can be turned on by just about anything, and are ready for sex whenever there is a willing partner around. Think of an instant tea kettle - push one button and you've got a shot of hot water. We think this sells a lot of men short. Men also need the right conditions in order to create more arousal and experience satisfying sex.

Women, on the other hand, are thought to be like a big pot of water - it takes a long time to get her "hot" but once she has been brought to a boil, there is a long lasting heat.

How true do those metaphors feel to you?

We think most people, male and female, experience a combination of the classic gendered stereotypes. Most of us experience a mix of what scientists call "spontaneous desire" and "responsive desire" - sometimes we are turned on and aroused seemingly out of nowhere, other times we need to be seduced and have our arousal drawn out of us. More on this coming up next!

The simple truth is this: there are so many factors that influence your ability to feel turned on and ready for sexual intimacy. To name just a few big ones: health, finances, stress, family, mental distractions.

Here's what we know for sure:

Most people want to get "hot" more often.

Very few people like the feeling of being sexually "cold" and totally disconnected from their sexual desire.

Our proposal: Instead of letting your sexual relationship go cold and then struggling to heat it up when one of you is in the mood, cultivate a relationship where you both are kept "warm" so when the mood and opportunity strikes, it is way easier to get "hot."